Today as I bent to pick up a hubcap on the side of the road (this would be my second), I noticed the astounding similarity to the way the human body stores fat, and I realized that the problem is a simple one: my body is just a packrat! Show it a broken Walkman and it says, "Hey, this might come in useful sometime!" And pockets it away in some artery or buttock.

There's a commonly accepted strategy for dealing with a packrat. First of all, you don't hand him junk in the first place. At the same time, you give him lots of opportunities to use the miscellaneous crap he does collect, thus balancing the inflow and outflow of junk.

Or, you could just hand him so much junk that the novelty wears off and he loses the urge to collect it at all, and takes up gardening or something.

Mark my words, this will be the wave of the future. And on that note, I'm off to Denny's with a stack of $20's to test my theory.