i realized today that if i could do anything i wanted as my job, i think i'd want to be a national geographic photographer. but that's not just saying "if circumstances aligned themselves so that i could have that opportunity." i dont feel i'm nearly good enough to join those ranks, so that statement is expressing not just desire to advance to some not-easily-obtainable position, but also desire that i were actually good enough to perform the job, were it given to me. it's weird. i guess it's no different from the writer who dreams of being published or whatever. it could be viewed as egotistical to assume (or hope?) that he's good enough to be worth publishing. i guess maybe the reason the concept is so foreign to me is that i've never really set my sights very high - never really considered doing anything in the future that i didnt know i could comfortably do. i guess other than the national geographic thing, the closest you could say i have to a goal right now is just to work in some computer job and make good money for it. but a $100k computer job would not necessarily involve abilities i don't feel i have now - maybe more knowledge, but that's easy. if i were to strive for something like becoming a national geographic photographer, i'd actually have to somehow acquire more creativity and talent with the lens. that's not the kind of thing you can just read up on online. so is that basically the definition of ambition? not just hoping to be "in the right place at the right time" but striving for something that is most likely just entirely out of your reach? weird. personally, i can't picture actually pursuing the job mentioned above, because i don't feel worthy of it, so it remains idle fantasy. but if i were good enough to do that, i think that'd be an awesome way to live.

Originally posted on LiveJournal. Original post